Sitting here watching "Nigel Slater's Simple Xmas" has confirmed a what I have know for a long time. I have fallen for Mr Slater. Sorry hubby, but Nigel rocks! such simplicity in his food and presentation and yet everything looks for delicious. Last month's bday brought be my first Nigel Slater books and I understand that Father Xmas is bringing me some more. Oh yes. Wish I had smellivision. Nigel Slater hasn't got the arrogance of other TV chefs, he just comes across as a lovely home cook, albeit an excellent one. he has the words, the simplicity and the passion all combined. Just wish he was available to cook for me everyday. boo hoo. I guess second best is me cooking his recipes for hubby and kiddies.
Talking of food, went to a marvellous Thai restaurant last week , together with a group of fabulous friends. Oh yes. Sublime food from start to finish, love Thai food. though I was forced into being a bit naughty and forgo diet for one night only and drink a tad too much Prosseco wine. mmmmm..
Hubby, children, food, books, music, friends........ bliss
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Friday, 16 December 2011
word of the day
********* COMPASSION *********
just because it encompasses all the qualities mankind should have
presents done. (well, nearly)
Waited till last day of children being at school for wrapping of presents. daughter still believes in Father Christmas so now everything hidden till the big man comes.
But I still need to buy hubby's presents: everyone else is done except him poor thing. So I guess I had better get cracking or he will go without! I will be original this year and get him books I think. Like last year. Oh, and the year before, and the year before that.... Why are husbands so hard to buy for??
But I still need to buy hubby's presents: everyone else is done except him poor thing. So I guess I had better get cracking or he will go without! I will be original this year and get him books I think. Like last year. Oh, and the year before, and the year before that.... Why are husbands so hard to buy for??
Thursday, 15 December 2011
About Liberty and Equality
Not quite sure why, maybe it's the grim news which seem to be abundant, maybe the shifting of power in countries which so far have lived under tyrannical regimes, maybe because there are so many calls for Human rights to be scaled back, maybe just because I am who I am and I hate injustice, unfairness and intolerance.
The trigger for my passion about equality was the film "Cry Freedom" which I saw on its release when I was 16. The story of Steve Biko killed whilst in custody because of the colour of his skin and his political affiliations angered me. The scenes of police brutality against school children just seemed unreal. And so the fire in me was ignited, starting with the reading of several books about Steve Biko and Donald Woods (the journalist who brought to light the story and who risked his own life in order to do so). And the finding out more about the violation of Human Rights. Not Internet back then (shows my age!) but good old fashioned libraries. Found out about Amnesty International and their work for the right to freedom and expression. Made sure my mum wouldn't buy goods from South Africa. Made sure I would wear the badges from a french organisation called SOS Racism.
I am aware, as mentioned above, that there are calls for Human Rights to be scaled back. But I would far rather live in a country where, on occasion, there might be instances where one might think "this is ridiculous, why does such a person have the right to do this?" but where we also have to right to express ourselves freely, than in a country where no one has rights. Because Human Rights isn't just about whether or not prisoners should have the right to vote or not etc, it is about so many other things: it is about my right to express my political opinions, my right to condemn or condone whatever actions the government in power may take, my right to march through the streets if I feel injustice is committed, my right to give my opinion as to whether or not I approve of a monarchy. If I chose to let the world know that I am a republican the Queen as no right to throw me into prison for expressing that believe. If I chose to let the world know that I am a lefty then David Cameron can do nothing about it. And to often we forget how lucky we are do live in a democracy. The Chinese, Zimbabweans, Emirati People, Saudis, Iranians and so many others have no such right. It incenses me when so many people say "why should such and such ethnic group be allowed to wear this and that outfit or be allowed to follow their customs, they are in the UK, they should follow our rules, after all , where they come from we have to follow their rules" Except that the fact that inhabitants here are allowed to wear what they like and chose their religion and practises is yet more proof that we are a democratic country. And that the countries which don't allow inhabitants to chose their own beliefs aren't. Two wrongs do not make a right. I am thankful that we live somewhere where we have so many varying cultures and beliefs and where we can be who we are. If, let us say, the lovely journalists at the Daily Mail weren't so bloody racist, homophobic, xenophobic and every other phobic under the sun, told its readers about the reality of living under tyrannical regimes, told their readers about the daily torture and lack of freedom that the inhabitants of countries run by despots, autocrat, tyrants or oppressor etc... then maybe, just maybe, there might be hope in making the inhabitants of democratic countries more tolerant.
Tolerance and understanding of others comes from education.
Tolerance and understanding is also more that just combating racism, homophobia etc. It is also about combating ignorance. Ignorance is what makes us prejudiced. whether this prejudice is against someone because they of their skin colour, their background, their ideas, the way they live... It is so easy to make snap judgements. Watching a program about adoption last night brought some snap reactions to some stories. Snap reaction as a mother, as a human. But snap decisions and judgements are dangerous: without know the full story, the full history of someone, then we have to tread carefully and try and understand the whys behind each person, behind each story.
I realise this in a long draw out blog, but the more I see of the world the more I believe in what is right: freedom of expression (I disagree with what you say but will fight to the bitter end so you have the right to say it-voltaire), understanding, tolerance and equality. And this includes more monetary equality. We are nearing a situation where the inequality between rich and poor will be the same an in the Victorian Times. This is unacceptable.
I think I had better stop now or this rant will end up being a novel! Once I get going I find it hard to stop sometimes!
The trigger for my passion about equality was the film "Cry Freedom" which I saw on its release when I was 16. The story of Steve Biko killed whilst in custody because of the colour of his skin and his political affiliations angered me. The scenes of police brutality against school children just seemed unreal. And so the fire in me was ignited, starting with the reading of several books about Steve Biko and Donald Woods (the journalist who brought to light the story and who risked his own life in order to do so). And the finding out more about the violation of Human Rights. Not Internet back then (shows my age!) but good old fashioned libraries. Found out about Amnesty International and their work for the right to freedom and expression. Made sure my mum wouldn't buy goods from South Africa. Made sure I would wear the badges from a french organisation called SOS Racism.
I am aware, as mentioned above, that there are calls for Human Rights to be scaled back. But I would far rather live in a country where, on occasion, there might be instances where one might think "this is ridiculous, why does such a person have the right to do this?" but where we also have to right to express ourselves freely, than in a country where no one has rights. Because Human Rights isn't just about whether or not prisoners should have the right to vote or not etc, it is about so many other things: it is about my right to express my political opinions, my right to condemn or condone whatever actions the government in power may take, my right to march through the streets if I feel injustice is committed, my right to give my opinion as to whether or not I approve of a monarchy. If I chose to let the world know that I am a republican the Queen as no right to throw me into prison for expressing that believe. If I chose to let the world know that I am a lefty then David Cameron can do nothing about it. And to often we forget how lucky we are do live in a democracy. The Chinese, Zimbabweans, Emirati People, Saudis, Iranians and so many others have no such right. It incenses me when so many people say "why should such and such ethnic group be allowed to wear this and that outfit or be allowed to follow their customs, they are in the UK, they should follow our rules, after all , where they come from we have to follow their rules" Except that the fact that inhabitants here are allowed to wear what they like and chose their religion and practises is yet more proof that we are a democratic country. And that the countries which don't allow inhabitants to chose their own beliefs aren't. Two wrongs do not make a right. I am thankful that we live somewhere where we have so many varying cultures and beliefs and where we can be who we are. If, let us say, the lovely journalists at the Daily Mail weren't so bloody racist, homophobic, xenophobic and every other phobic under the sun, told its readers about the reality of living under tyrannical regimes, told their readers about the daily torture and lack of freedom that the inhabitants of countries run by despots, autocrat, tyrants or oppressor etc... then maybe, just maybe, there might be hope in making the inhabitants of democratic countries more tolerant.
Tolerance and understanding of others comes from education.
Tolerance and understanding is also more that just combating racism, homophobia etc. It is also about combating ignorance. Ignorance is what makes us prejudiced. whether this prejudice is against someone because they of their skin colour, their background, their ideas, the way they live... It is so easy to make snap judgements. Watching a program about adoption last night brought some snap reactions to some stories. Snap reaction as a mother, as a human. But snap decisions and judgements are dangerous: without know the full story, the full history of someone, then we have to tread carefully and try and understand the whys behind each person, behind each story.
I realise this in a long draw out blog, but the more I see of the world the more I believe in what is right: freedom of expression (I disagree with what you say but will fight to the bitter end so you have the right to say it-voltaire), understanding, tolerance and equality. And this includes more monetary equality. We are nearing a situation where the inequality between rich and poor will be the same an in the Victorian Times. This is unacceptable.
I think I had better stop now or this rant will end up being a novel! Once I get going I find it hard to stop sometimes!
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
winter is here!!
and boy is it cold. Hats, gloves, winter coats are all out. Thank goodness for the good old English cuppa!! Pipping hot tea always works (though not quite as well as proper hot chocolate, but that is a treat rather than a daily drink seeing the amount of chocolate and milk that is needed).
Looking forward to Friday afternoon when kiddies break up for the Christmas holidays, and an excuse for lie-ins but also, and more importantly, an excuse to play silly games and bake and listen to music with them and dance in silly ways, and have loud Christmas music on.
Talking of music, rediscovered the beauty and power of Gospel music a few days ago. Uplifting and fabulous singing. Funny thing is that my Methodist Aunt can't get her head round the fact that one can be atheist and still enjoy Gospels, Christmas carols, and other religious works. She is lovely aunt, the only older member of the family I can be fairly open to, but she misses the point that beautiful music is just that. I love singing and listening to carols because they are beautiful. I love listening to gospel and singing Requiems etc as they are composed by such talented artists. Just like actors play roles which don't reflect their personality or beliefs, so can singers (even amateurs) sing music in which the words don't reflect their beliefs.
I suppose I had better switch the Xmas lights on now kiddies are home, not sure why I don't put them on during the day when I am alone, it is Xmas time after all, so tomorrow I shall have them on all day and put silly Xmas music on. After all it will take me all day to wrap up all the presents!!
ho ho ho. The man in red is coming next week!!
Looking forward to Friday afternoon when kiddies break up for the Christmas holidays, and an excuse for lie-ins but also, and more importantly, an excuse to play silly games and bake and listen to music with them and dance in silly ways, and have loud Christmas music on.
Talking of music, rediscovered the beauty and power of Gospel music a few days ago. Uplifting and fabulous singing. Funny thing is that my Methodist Aunt can't get her head round the fact that one can be atheist and still enjoy Gospels, Christmas carols, and other religious works. She is lovely aunt, the only older member of the family I can be fairly open to, but she misses the point that beautiful music is just that. I love singing and listening to carols because they are beautiful. I love listening to gospel and singing Requiems etc as they are composed by such talented artists. Just like actors play roles which don't reflect their personality or beliefs, so can singers (even amateurs) sing music in which the words don't reflect their beliefs.
I suppose I had better switch the Xmas lights on now kiddies are home, not sure why I don't put them on during the day when I am alone, it is Xmas time after all, so tomorrow I shall have them on all day and put silly Xmas music on. After all it will take me all day to wrap up all the presents!!
ho ho ho. The man in red is coming next week!!
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
session 14 of therapy
Have a horrid feeling that therapy is coming to an end. I suppose the good thing about this is that I will have to talk about other things on here and there stop boring people to tears. But I just don't feel ready. Yes it has helped enormously. Yes it has helped with depression and the black clouds are few and far apart. But so far it has had so little impact on my own personal feelings of doubt, hatred, self loathing and sense of being oh so conspicuous in some public placed when in fact I would so much rather feel invisible. It is so hard to put into words the feelings that go on in ones mind that I feel a complete idiot and time waster when trying to convey those thoughts to Mr T. Luckily he seems to be a mind reader which helps. Whilst lasts week session seemed the most positive of all, today's was tough tough tough and I can now feel all the emotions in my mind, body, everywhere. The sense of accomplishing nothing is back whereas a few days ago I thought I had come along leaps and bounds. The many highs are still followed by lows which aren't so much a feeling of feeling down in the dumps as just failing everyone who is trying to help. Learning to focus on positives (I can now jog for 5mn and then do exercise as apposed to a couple of months ago when I could only jog for 30sec and then do naff all for 5mn) is getting easier. Until.......... someone somewhere makes a remark that just brings it all back to mind: the uncertainty, the sense of lack of achievement.... And why does the hour of therapy go so flipping fast???? wish I could slow down time because by the time you get going, bam! the hour is over. Don't feel like I am trying as hard as I feel is expected to me. But....... have to carry on, so will carry on going to the fitness classes as often as feasible over the holiday (a lot of wii fit I think with all the bank holidays in December). Just can't afford to fail, can't let Mr GP and Mr T down, so I will conquer this. I will learn to not feel like a social outcast. I will show the health professionals that their faith in me (which I hope they have) is justified.
Plenty to keep myself busy today which is a good thing, and tomorrow is another day. Roll on tomorrow!
Will try my darnedest to keep smiling today. I will not let the depression come back, so conquering my social phobia is crucial in that step. Can't thank everyone enough: friend, family, but most of all the amazing health professionals who work tirelessly to make all us doolally people better.
Plenty to keep myself busy today which is a good thing, and tomorrow is another day. Roll on tomorrow!
Will try my darnedest to keep smiling today. I will not let the depression come back, so conquering my social phobia is crucial in that step. Can't thank everyone enough: friend, family, but most of all the amazing health professionals who work tirelessly to make all us doolally people better.
Friday, 9 December 2011
2nd blog of the day - 1st on all positive, this one not so much but just an explanation
This isn’t an actual blog of daily activity, just thoughts and sharing of the difficulty that can be encountered when you are depressed. If it sounds all negative, I apologise, that is now my intent. It is just that I think it is important for others to try and understand how excruciating it can be when you have to socialise. Whilst some find it so hard that they stay home and never go out, for some of us it manifests itself in a different way. Different social situations carry different reactions. I can only speak from a personal point of you but I know, from speaking to others that I am not alone. So I will give examples that best explain the strange workings of the mind of some of us. It is all about feeling comfortable you see. And I discovered just how much your past can influence your actions, feelings and reactions to social situations. My top hates are “posh” settings. Children tennis lessons: full of yummy mummies talking about private schools and exotic holiday: make me feel inadequate, aware of fact that everyone else is super thin and super fit and seemingly very intelligent. And that is the funny thing: whilst I have no desire of competing financially or even jealous of their large income (I am sane enough to know that money does not buy happiness), I feel the need to justify my presence there. I feel the need to prove that intelligence can’t be judged on looks. And so I feel obligated to read “clever” books in such places. I love reading anyway, and read all kinds of books anyway, but in the presence of others there is a need to show the yummy mummies that being the size of an elephant doesn’t equate to being a moron. The same feeling comes to mind when in posh restaurants, or posh shops. The beauty counters of certain shops, (this is particularly true in France) can make one feel so inadequate: the real look of distain given to me by certain Parisian beauty product salesgirls means that I now “see” that same look at every other beauty counter. Feel ashamed when I buy Clarins as posh makes are really for posh gorgeous people aren’t they? (That is what goes on in the mind, however irrational those thoughts might seem). Other places are fine: social situation where others are like you are fine. Thus, a family restaurant where all social groups mingle, where both customers and waiters can be clever or not so clever, thin or fat, has no negative impacts on the thoughts, and I feel at easy.
I had no idea that being told by teachers that I was thick, that being put down by other school children and that other people’s berating remarks about the lack of culture of others, could have such an impact on my future. I had no idea that those attitudes could make one so insecure. And so now there is a need to prove those detractors wrong. Except that of course you aren’t showing them. I would give anything to prove to them that I couldn’t have been as thick as they thought. Wish I could tell former teachers how much their remarks impacted me. And how wrong they are: I can speak 3 languages fluently (OK, in fairness 2 of them I didn’t need to learn, so not that clever lol), I can read Dickens, Sartes, Montaigne, Hugo and enjoy their words, their works. But now the only ones I can prove this to are total stranger. How bizarre. The mind works in mysterious ways. Social anxiety is not something you “just get over” or something you can ignore. The mind, your whole inner being, governs the way you feel. But now, hopefully, I will get rid of 25 years of social phobia, even in the poshest cleverest places. I will still enjoy the beauty of literature but won’t feel obliged to do so in public places. I have just realise, reading back, that I am doing on here what I do in tennis clubs, posh place, and even at the doctors and worse still at the therapists: trying to prove my self worth when really there should not be that need. Except that there is. The need to prove is there. I can’t help it. Sorry L
music - had to write about it after yesterday
Just had to write about the power and beauty of music after yesterday's therapy session. Funny how talking to others can remind one of the things in life one loves, adores, cherishes. On a day to day basis it is so easy to forget what keeps you going, what gets your senses tingling, your mind going, what gives you a complete and total sense of serenity. One of those things for me is music. And my one of my new resolutions (one of many....) is to make time, every day, to just listen,to just soak up the sheer beauty of amazing music: There are so many inspiring pieces that I can name only a few, and will no doubt forget others and will had them as when I rediscover them.
Thought I would also look up a few quotes from inspiring people to try and express my feelings in a more poetic and passionate way. Here are just a few. But those few reflect my own feelings, my own thoughts,
- Mozart's Magic flute: a mixture of wit (hilarious Papageno), sheer musical beauty of the Arias of the Queen of the night, and reminder of the importance of love in Tamino's declarations of love to Pamina
- REM's Everybody Hurts: used by the Samaritans advert a while back, the words just resonate with me and help, they are a reminder when one is in complete darkness that everybody hurts sometimes, and the music is beautifully written
- Trumpet Concertos: too many to mention (Haydn, Clarke....). For me the trumpet it one of the most stunning instrument: the clarity of the sound is second to none, and is utterly breathtakingly gorgeous.
- Delibes's Flower Duet. Impossible to convey the "shiver down my spine" feeling without listening to it. Have to listen to it eyes closed to soak up the utter beauty of this piece.
- Gounod's Ave Maria: So restful. so exhilarating
Thought I would also look up a few quotes from inspiring people to try and express my feelings in a more poetic and passionate way. Here are just a few. But those few reflect my own feelings, my own thoughts,
- I was born with music inside me. Music was one of my parts. Like my ribs, my kidneys, my liver, my heart. Like my blood. It was a force already within me when I arrived on the scene. It was a necessity for me-like food or water. Ray Charles
- Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. Ludwig van Beethoven
- Without music, life would be a mistake. Friedrich Nietzsche
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
two weeks of no blogging, better catch up I guess
Hardly an original thought, but time really does fly. in the past 2 week my gorgeous little girl turned 9, Christmas presents have been ordered from Father Christmas and waiting to be delivered, plenty of exercise classes have been done (circuit: hard and painful but will carry on, yoga: yuck as far to much intra-perspective needed, zumba: sometimes great other times a bit icky mentally, aerobics: great for mind and body, and boxercise: fabulous for mind and body). Oh, and in last few days have been told by Mr GP that I can start coming off happy pills over next few weeks. Now facing uncertainty but trying to be optimistic. still a few session left with Mr T during which he somehow needs to finish fixing my poor tired little brain. Not sure whether to look forward to Thursday's session or dread it.
I am looking forward to seeing the children's faces on Christmas day. At least one of the two acknowledges the existence of Father Christmas. Unfortunately the brainy scientific one stopped believing years ago boo hoo. Fortunately my youngest one has a less Cartesian mind and a vivid imagination so we have a while longer of visits from the tooth fairy et al....
I think that tis now time to put decorations up, a bit of festive cheer is needed and so Christmas lights and music always help.
I am looking forward to seeing the children's faces on Christmas day. At least one of the two acknowledges the existence of Father Christmas. Unfortunately the brainy scientific one stopped believing years ago boo hoo. Fortunately my youngest one has a less Cartesian mind and a vivid imagination so we have a while longer of visits from the tooth fairy et al....
I think that tis now time to put decorations up, a bit of festive cheer is needed and so Christmas lights and music always help.
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